My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Happy Halloween 🎃
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.