I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

You Might Also Like


[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?


If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.


I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”


This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.


hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?


What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?


Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-


I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough


Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.


CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though