@4SLars

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

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@SondraDeeMe

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

@katiefzack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

@MakeYourBedlam

I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”

@Fab_Mommy_

This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
Psychopath.

@TheTennisPhenom

hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?

@AnnietheNanny1

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@iamspacegirl

Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though