I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
This guy gets it.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me