I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*me flirting
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.