I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
You Might Also Like
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
this is how life feels
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living