I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”

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I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.


Whenever I see a flock of wild turkeys I engage them in conversation to learn of their history and oral tradition (they keep no recognizable written record). Unsurprisingly they have strong opinions about the pilgrims but reserve their greatest rancor for stuffing.


robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet


Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.


[backstage at GOP debate]
AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair.
CAT: I’m puking as fast as I can.


The neighbor’s cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it’s now some weird interspecies potluck.


“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign


Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.


You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.