How To Ride An Escalator:
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..
And she said..
“The big hand is on the….”
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one small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Wife: I told you to slow down.
Cop: License & registration, please.
Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?
Me: Look underneath them.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[first day as a lawyer]
me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor
me: [eyes narrow]
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?