I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”

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one small step for man one giant step for a really small man


Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.


Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn


Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?


*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*


You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork


ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.


[first day as a lawyer]

me: guiltypeoplesaywhat


me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor

judge: ….what

me: [eyes narrow]