“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.