“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’