*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Good boy 😂😂
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.