I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I have so many questions.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
