*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.