I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
#oldknees
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.