Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.