I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
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I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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