I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed