I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My support group can outdrink your support group.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.