I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday


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Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.


Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL


My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.


Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.


Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.


I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?


[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…


Just clicked on an ad that said “Free Albums Here” But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.


If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.