peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
If only
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE