[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that