@Brianhopecomedy

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

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@TheDreamGhoul

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

@Sachin_Sahel

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.

@Writepop

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

@copymama

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

@BDGarp

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

@jctwritesstuff

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

@tastefactory

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

@sarcasm_inc

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it