I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.