I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?