My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up