I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell