I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*