so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.