I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.

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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder


[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.


Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*


*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*


A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?


Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.


I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.


Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.


Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*