I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.

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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.


Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy


Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way


When I’m at a friend’s house & there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?”


[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.


WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.


the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me


me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what


[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?