@NinjaFuneral

I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.

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@girlontapas

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@KLBChicken

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

@KKAlThani

When I’m at a friend’s house & there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?”

@iamburtjarvis

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

@ScottLinnen

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

@rorynotroy

the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me

@Skoogeth

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

@imdaintyaf

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO