Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair “ginjas”.
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him
Friend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*