I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Bread puns are on the rise!
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
eggs benadryl
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.