God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.