I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday

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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read


Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.


I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.


Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?


Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.


When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.


I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.


[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.