Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.