@not_delicate

I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday

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@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

@Rschooley

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

@HatfieldAnne

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

@earnestaugust

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@SamGrittner

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

@EJT___

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

@JohnLyonTweets

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.