I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened