Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.