@kwirkyKerri

“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.

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@notviking

me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400

pawn shop owner: i can do $250

me: [cocking gun] how about now

pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400

@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

@lasergirl70

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@Ms_Laser

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

@Faux_Ma

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

@MomofTeen

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

@crushingbort

Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip

@hunz74

My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.

@CulturedRuffian

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

@garrettbarry70

Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*

Her. “WTF are you doing with my coat?”