“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.

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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.


[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.


Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”


4: mama i love you

Me: awee I…

4: even though you look ugly

Me: …spoke too soon


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”


What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?



I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.