[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Breaking news:
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.