“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
#Caturday
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter