I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.