@lloydrang

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

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@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?

@jessokfine

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

@DitzMcGeee

him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
me:

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

@ArfMeasures

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”