Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Morning wood makes the best fire.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”