“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

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Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…


Was gonna be a professional quarterback but I didn’t wanna injure my chip dipping arm.


“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.


I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?


I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.


[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it


Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash