“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert