Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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Was gonna be a professional quarterback but I didn’t wanna injure my chip dipping arm.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.
I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Bruce Lee on a rollercoaster: Bruce Wee.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
bob: one at a time
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash