“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off