I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
You Might Also Like
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
crochet youtube is brutal
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.