The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.