@UncleDuke1969: I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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@gorrdano: I've replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I've ever done but it's ok, I'll rob him when he's dead.
@thatdutchperson: THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too. ME: THERAPIST: ok? Me: would that make you happy?
@ManiacallySound: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
@NOTVIKING: when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.