I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.


Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..


Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.


[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen


Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter


Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..


INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.


I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.


Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.