I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Fun like a LinkedIn notification