If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Him: “What’s your body count?”
Me: “For what?”
Him: “People you’ve slept with…”
Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“You clean up well” is a nice way of saying “You look like shit at work”.
you know what ruined my childhood? children