@CherBear162

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

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@DrunkMidLife

If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.

@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@KrispyTacoBelle

Him: “What’s your body count?”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “People you’ve slept with…”

Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”

Him: “What?”

Me: “What?”

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

@roxiqt

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

@thatUPSdude

“You clean up well” is a nice way of saying “You look like shit at work”.