I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
absolute chaos
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.