I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.