@Jamberee13

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

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@mydmac

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

@Rainbowbunee

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

@UniqueDude2

[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you’re in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don’t feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself

@XGroverX

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

@Papa_Mex

Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

@iwearaonesie

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.