I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.