I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]


They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.


I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir


The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.


I turn into a Mexican soccer announcer when in driving in traffic



Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake


[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder


Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you