@Jamberee13

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

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@UnFitz

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@1Happytwit

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@Staggfilms

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

@JeffMyspace

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

@SvetySveta

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@juskewitch

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.