i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
All generalizations are stupid.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
peep davidson
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa