Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Can. I. Help. You.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I am all good here, 😂😉
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺