@SweetNisCupcake

I really want to snuggle and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

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@thepaulasuzanne

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

@sexypitabread

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@goodbeanalt

if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry

@Jake_Vig

For those of you keeping track, so far:

Regular wildfires
Pandemic
Locusts
Volcano eruption
Radioactive wildfires

Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-

STOP

@gosailthesea

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

@markedly

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work