If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*