Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM
Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.
[Lawyer throws up]
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.
My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere