@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

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@animaldrumss

You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you

@Sickayduh

“911 what’s your emergency?”

– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men

“We’re on our way”

– Gonna arrest them?

“Gonna shut off your internet”

@Ygrene

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

@elle91

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

@philmann

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

@Di0nysus7

He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:

1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out

@WilliamAder

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

@robfee

Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children