I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.