“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Him: You鈥檝e got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don鈥檛 have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don鈥檛. I mean you could, but you don鈥檛 hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I鈥檓 basically a deer.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister鈥檚 toys.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I鈥檓 trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
How to grab a women鈥檚 attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Nomnomnomnom
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
pelicons
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If Home Depot doesn鈥檛 want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn鈥檛 be playing Gloria Estefan.