Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department
person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving
person 2: don’t tell me what to do
person 2: *dies skydiving*
person 1: I hate to say it but—
person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE