@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

@GingerHotDish

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@PaperWash

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@PhuckinCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department

@jazz_inmypants

person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving

person 2: don’t tell me what to do

[later]

person 2: *dies skydiving*

person 1: I hate to say it but—

person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE