@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

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@wickedsuga

Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Coach:
Me:
Coach:
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?

@BuckyIsotope

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

@TheAlexNevil

“By the way, how’s Mittens?”

-friend of the Schrödinger family

@girl_a_whirl

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

@Jam453Lane

I don’t know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.

@bkdcasey

If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.

@cellapaz

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

@bourgeoisalien

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

@themiltron

god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock

@VenisVal

Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?

Brain: Yep!

Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?

Brain: Nope!