I really would love to see two mimes arguing
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”