ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
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Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.