@scottthetwat: I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.
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@bombscribe: I just unlocked the "My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare" badge on Foursquare!
@TheTobbie: Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...
@StellaRtwot: We wouldn't really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
@squirrel74wkgn: I'm pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I'm not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.