Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
smh
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.