I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
*performs CPR on the turkey*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
B
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.