I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Just a friendly reminder!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.